Empowered Partners: A Guide for Partners of Transgender, Non-Binary and Gender-Questioning People

For the last several months, through my anger, grief and despair, in the midst of an ongoing pandemic and the (sometimes slow, sometimes fast) collapse of the world as we have come to know it, I’ve been doing what I know to do: use what I have to make a difference where I can. For me, what I have is a love of writing and learning, a passion for supporting relationships of all kinds, and a commitment to our collective liberation, particularly around gender and sexuality. When transgender people once again became the target of hateful legislation across the country, legislation that’s part of a larger campaign to dehumanize LGBTQ+ people, as well as Black, indigenous and other people of color, I became even more focused on using my knowledge and skills to support trans people and their loved ones. The best way I can do that is through loving the transgender people in my life and by supporting partners of transgender, non-binary and gender-questioning people.  The result of putting my head down and focusing on this project of love and liberation is my new ebook called Empowered Partners: A Guide for Partners of Transgender, Non-Binary and Gender-Questioning People. Drawing together the content I’ve shared in my online course of the same name, Empowered Partners is designed to stand alone as a resource or to be shared in community through the Empowered Partners online course. 

In the ebook, I invite partners of transgender, non-binary and gender-questioning people to explore their conditioning into the gender binary, consider new models of gender and sexuality, and discover what’s authentic to them. I also provide practical information about gender transition and some things to expect. Since the changes associated with gender transition can be challenging for some relationships, much of the book draws on my experience supporting people in building the relationship skills necessary to navigate change and conflict and improve connection. In addition to the reflection questions that accompany each chapter, I’ve created a 30 page PDF of handouts and worksheets designed to help readers dive deeper into the concepts and tools offered in the ebook. Empowered Partners: A Guide for Partners of Transgender, Non-Binary and Gender-Questioning People is now available for pre-order.

I’m grateful for the clarity of purpose this work brings me, as well as the sense of connection I feel when I facilitate online courses or hear from people who’ve been impacted by my work. Whatever your gifts, whatever your passions, however your commitments to love and liberation manifest, I hope you find a way to use what you have to make a difference where you can. The world needs us, and we always need each other.

Take good care,
Heather

Whose rule book are you playing by?

When I entered private practice in 2015, I knew I wanted to focus on trauma therapy with LGBTQ clients. My life experience has been shaped by my queerness, and I wanted to communicate that part of my identity to those who might want to work with me. I wanted my queer clients to know that I see them and can relate to some aspects of their lived experience. I wanted my trans and non-binary clients to know that some of my closest loved ones are trans and non-binary, and that I know their lives to be precious. I wanted my cisgender and non-queer clients to know that my work and life is rooted in examining and dismantling the binaries that keep us all confined and disconnected from ourselves and each other.

What I found as I started to market my practice was fear and internalized homophobia telling me that it wasn’t okay to be visible as a queer provider. Working in community mental health agencies where I didn’t have much autonomy around how I presented myself as a provider left me with a sense that doing it my way might be the “wrong” way. My short time in the field also left me with a lot of questions.

Registration for Empowered Partners is now open!

I have a strong bias toward supporting healthy relationships. I also believe that connecting partners of trans, non-binary and gender-questioning people with others who can relate to their experience is a powerful way to reduce the isolation and fear that can get in the way of our relationships. Empathetic, non-judgmental support combined with gender-affirming education and information is empowering.

That's way I created Empowered Partners, a 6 week program designed to empower you with the guidance, education and support you need to offer meaningful support to your transgender, non-binary or gender-questioning partner. Registration for Empowered Partners closes Friday, April 9th, and space is limited in this customized learning and support experience.

I hope you'll join me for Empowered Partners to find knowledgeable and non-judgmental support that's focused on you.

Support can help reduce your confusion and fear.

Change is a natural part of relationships. Binary thinking increases fear of change. We need each other to calm down when we get scared. And support can help us orient to what we know and increase our sense of security In the context of loving someone who’s exploring their gender or changing the way they understand or present their gender, fear of uncertainty paired with cultural conditioning into binary thinking can cause a host of challenges.

Unfortunately when you’re in this position, there are often obstacles to getting the necessary support and guidance you need to make sense of your feelings and orient to what’s true for you and your relationship. Some partners don’t want to admit that they need support because they think it will send the message that they aren’t supportive of their partner’s decision to explore their gender or transition. Other partners know that their friends and family won’t support their partner’s transition, and they don’t feel like they have anyone to turn to for support. And some partners aren’t really sure how they feel about all this so they don’t want the focus on them at all.

I’m here to tell you that even the most supportive and affirming partners need support.

We need each other to calm down when we’re scared.

So we know that change is a part of life and that binary thinking increases fear. Now I want to talk about what can happen in our relationships when we’re scared. Feeling afraid causes us to scan for danger. If we can identify the threat that’s scaring us, maybe we can protect ourselves from it. If, in that scanning for threat, you find that it’s something related to your partner that’s causing you to feel scared, you might move away from them to feel safer, whether or not they're actually doing anything threatening.

Sometimes it’s really healthy and important to get distance from others to regulate and re-establish a sense of security. But because we’re mammals, we also need other mammals to help us calm down when we feel afraid. (Cue pets to the rescue when people just won’t do.) Because it can be hard to calm down when you’re isolated, fear within your relationship can build, causing your relationship with your partner to suffer. Because it can be hard to think clearly when you're scared, navigating a change (like, oh, say, gender transition) while you're scared can be really hard.

Our relationships can suffer when we’re feeling scared or threatened or simply overwhelmed. It's important to find ways to soothe our fears and find our way back to feeling connected to others so that we can think more clearly. Finding other people who understand your fears can help you calm them. My new program, Empowered Partners, will connect you with other partners who can relate to what you’re feeling right now, helping you to feel less isolated and more empowered. Empowered Partners is a 6 week program designed to empower you with the guidance, education and support you need to offer meaningful support to your transgender, non-binary and gender-questioning partner. If you're looking for support around this type of change in your relationship, I hope you'll register. Space is limited and registration closes April 9th.

Binary thinking can make change feel scary.

I’ve shared my belief that change is a natural part of life and relationships and why we sometimes get scared when we find out that our partners are changing. Now I want to explore another reason change can be scary: binary thinking. Binary thinking is the habit humans have of putting things into distinct categories. You might also call it either/or thinking. [See also: characteristics of white supremacy culture.]

When the world feels overwhelming, our brains try to help us by simplifying things that are actually really complex. I see this in my work as a trauma therapist all the time. The more scared we get, the more we see things in black or white because our nervous systems aren’t resourced enough to tolerate the nuances of grey. When I say “binary thinking,” I’m not just talking about the gender binary. We can put all sorts of things in boxes to try to control or make sense of them. The problem with binary thinking is that it’s not a true reflection of reality. Not only that, binary thinking can be a tool of oppression, limiting the acceptable options for existing in the world. When a dominant group forces their fearful, limited binary thinking onto others, anyone who doesn't fit neatly in the right category is pushed out.

Change and partnership go hand in hand.

A long time ago I read a piece of relationship advice that’s stuck with me. It’s been so long that I don’t remember where I read it or who said it, but it went something like this: one of the best things you can do for your relationship is to always tell your partner how you’re changing. I love this advice because at its heart is a transformative truth: change is a part of life and so change is a part of every relationship. Change and partnership go hand in hand.

Change is a necessary and essential part of the human experience. When we’ve stopped changing, we’ve stopped growing. And change can be scary, no matter who you are or what changes are happening. In relationships change can be scary because we can come to rely on our partners for our sense of security and when they change, that can cause us to feel insecure. When your partner represents security and then they change, the insecurity you feel can cause you to question what else might change. If you’re feeling scared or insecure in other aspects of your life, hearing about a change in your partner can feel overwhelming.

Free Webinar: How to Support Your Transgender, Non-Binary or Gender-Questioning Partner

As the days are growing longer and warmer, I’m feeling excited about spring and also reflecting on one full year of pandemic life. It was this time last year that I was settling into a new routine of seeing clients remotely from home, socializing outside or not at all and washing my hands more thoroughly than ever before. One opportunity I've discovered in this new way of living is the ability to connect with people no matter where they live. I’ve been in Zoom rooms with people from all over the world this year, in conferences, book clubs, and meditation groups. I've also been able to offer my work in new ways and to new people through online offerings that emerged out of my practice specialties and personal passions.

My newest online offering is a free webinar on How to Support Your Transgender, Non-Binary or Gender-Questioning Partner. Since entering private practice in 2015, I’ve been a relationship-focused therapist who specializes in supporting clients and their families as they navigate challenges related to gender and sexuality. One thing I’ve noticed is that so many of the available resources about gender transition focus on the person transitioning, leaving partners to wonder how and where they fit into the equation. I created this webinar to help people find ways to provide meaningful support to their transitioning partners without losing contact with their needs or the needs of the relationship.

What do you center in your healing spaces?

As I’ve said here before, I’m intentional about the spaces I create for mental health and wellness providers because I know that the way we engage together around the topics of trauma, oppression and relationships matters.

I don’t promise a safe space because feeling safe can mean feeling comfortable. Growth requires that we feel past the edges of our comfort. Comfort is also a state that white supremacy culture has conditioned us to believe is deserved by white people. Feeling into anti-oppressive principles can feel dangerous to white people because they threaten our sense of who we are in the world.

To begin to build group cultures that can hold all that comes up as we consider our roles in systems of oppression, I’ve come up with some group agreements that I center in my work with providers.

What happens when we integrate an understanding of oppression into our trauma work?

Naming the reality of systemic oppression can be deeply validating for our clients, especially when it’s been ignored by other providers. Many mental health and wellness providers avoid bringing oppression into the conversation with clients because they’re afraid they’ll be expected to know things they don’t know. Or that they’ll be implicated as part of the problem and not know what to do about it.

I’m here to tell you that you can start where you are. You don’t have to have all the answers. You don’t have to know how to fix it. You can start by acknowledging that oppression exists and then get curious about its impact. When we do this, we create an opening for our clients to share our curiosity about how oppression has shaped them.

We invite our clients to consider a fuller picture of their lives, their challenges and their resources. We invite them to shift the focus from “what’s wrong” with them to a focus on what they need to live into the fullest expression of themselves.

What happens when we ignore oppression and focus only on trauma?

As mental health and wellness providers we want to believe that we are helping our clients. We know that there are so many factors impacting our clients’ mental health and well-being that we can’t control, and we want to believe that their time with us contributes to their well-being.

The truth is, if we’re ignoring the impact of oppression on our clients, we may be causing them harm. Staying silent about something we don’t understand or feel shame about is a common strategy. But it comes with consequences.

When someone comes to us seeking help, support and understanding, if we don’t attend to the impact of oppression in that person’s life, we send the message that it’s not important and isn’t a factor in the suffering they’re feeling. Not only do we miss the opportunity to connect by helping our client feel seen, heard and understood, we send the message that the violence of oppression is normal and they shouldn’t be traumatized by it. If we didn't think that was true, why wouldn’t we be talking about it when we talk about their trauma?

What resources settle your system when fear and shame sneak in?

I learned early in my experience supporting other mental health and wellness providers that the way we engage together around the topics of trauma, oppression and relationships matters. I know from years of studying Brené Brown’s work on shame resilience that authentic connection is found through vulnerability and courage.

I know from personal experience that engaging in conversations about systemic oppression as a white person or as a cisgender person can trigger shame that blocks my ability to be authentic and vulnerable, especially with people I don’t know well or want to impress.

I also know from studying the work of Resmaa Menakem, author of My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies, that feeling “safe” while discussing race isn’t something I’m guaranteed as a white person.

All of these concepts are on my mind as I create my courses, consult groups and programs.

What connections are you hungry for in your work?

I’ve been working at the intersections of trauma, oppression and relationships since I began my therapy practice in 2015. For years, most of my work and writing centered on gender and sexuality as I developed a specialty in supporting queer and trans clients and their loved ones, especially around trauma, relationships and sexual violence.

In 2019, I facilitated a small consult group focused on my practice specialties and found a new passion: supervision and consultation with other providers. I had such a great time putting together that group that I planned another for early 2020 with a more expansive focus. Luckily I had already planned to host the group virtually, so when lock down began right as I was recruiting for the group, I found colleagues who were hungry to connect and get more support.

5 Messages Keeping You From Being A Kick-Ass Trauma-Informed, Anti-Oppressive Provider (& How To Resist Them!)

In my work providing training, consultation and clinical supervision to a wide range of mental health and wellness providers, I get to hear about the self-defeating messages that are keeping them from showing up to their work with all of their integrity, authenticity and courage. These messages are rooted in the long held fears and shame triggers that undermine our self-worth and competence.

For providers who are new to conversations about trauma and oppression, a valuable beginner’s mind can be replaced by a harsh inner critic who derails the work before it even begins. This critic’s messages can keep really otherwise competent providers from talking with their clients, their colleagues or their supervisors about some of the most relevant material they have to work with: trauma, systemic oppression and the links between the two.

I’ve created a free downloadable worksheet: 5 Messages Keeping You From Being A Kick-Ass Trauma-Informed, Anti-Oppressive Provider (& How To Resist Them!). In this free worksheet, I’ll introduce the most common messages I hear from providers. I'll also invite you to reflect on your own critical messages about trauma and oppression and the resources you have to resist them.

Registration is now open for Trauma, Oppression & the Therapeutic Relationship Foundations Course

“If you have come here to help me you are wasting your time, but if you have come because your liberation is bound up with mine, then let us work together.”

― Lilla Watson & other Aboriginal activists

I’ve been taking seriously advice from queer astrologer Chani Nicholas to tend to the “creative incubators” in my life. I took a break from posting on social media and gave myself permission to not send out a newsletter because I wasn’t feeling inspired to share. I also enjoyed a two week stay-cation at the end of 2020 that allowed me to reset, recharge and realign with my commitments. It feels like a huge privilege to be able to rest and reflect in the midst of what feels like so much chaos in the world, and I don’t take it for granted.

After two successful 6-month Trauma, Oppression & the Therapeutic Relationship Consult Groups last year, I've learned a lot and made some changes in the format of this offering. I realized early on that "consult group" was really a misnomer. In order to consult in a meaningful way on cases that centered these topics, the group participants needed a shared understanding of the embedded concepts, as well as a container safe enough to explore them together. That became the focus of the groups, and by the end, I realized that what I had created was more of a course in the foundations of these concepts than a consult group.

If you are a therapist, counselor or other mental health or wellness practitioner, you are invited to join the Trauma, Oppression & the Therapeutic Relationship Foundations Course that has emerged from all this learning.

Values are not neutral.

Today I’m putting the finishing touches on the resources for the first module of my upcoming Rock Your Saturn Return offering, which focuses on values.

This offering may seem like a bit of a departure for me, and in some ways it is, but it is rooted in the principles that have always guided my practice: healing and growth grounded in relationships, embodiment and liberation for all people.

Values are not neutral. Culture is an expression of collective values, and white supremacy culture continues to shape the values of those of us who live within it. If we are to create a new culture, we have to identify the values we want that culture to be based in.

How does dirty pain show up for you?

"Clean pain is the pain that mends and can build your capacity for growth…Dirty pain is the pain of avoidance, blame, and denial. When people respond from their most wounded parts, become cruel or violent, or physically or emotionally run away, they experience dirty pain. They also create more of it for themselves and others."

- Resmaa Menakem


You may have noticed a trend in my writing. I’m engaged in a yearlong study of My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies by Resmaa Menakem, and the book’s concepts have become the lens through which I’m seeing so much of my personal healing work and the challenges that my clients bring. Remsaa’s work integrates a focus on the body and the nervous system with history and action for social justice in a way that’s compelling and clarifying for me. Writing as I’m in process with this book has been a main way I’ve been integrating its lessons, and I’ll continue to share some of that writing here.

The distinction between what Resmaa calls “clean pain” and “dirty pain” has been particularly helpful in distinguishing how my response to a situation impacts how I metabolize the stress of that situation, or how that stress gets stuck or loops. (I’ll say that the terms “clean” and “dirty” don’t really resonate with me. For myself I’ve been thinking about “clear pain” vs. “murky pain” or “moving pain” vs. “stuck pain.” Once you understand the concepts, choose the words that resonate with you.)

Last month I wrote about how we must understand our personal patterns so that we can show up more fully to our personal and collective healing work. When I think about dirty pain as the pain of avoidance, blame, and denial, it becomes clear to me that codependence is a manifestation of dirty pain on an individual and family level. Patterns of codependence are rooted in avoidance, blame and denial, as well as patterns of control, compliance and low self-esteem.

What are your relationship patterns?

"Trauma decontextualized in a person looks like personality. Trauma decontextualized in a family looks like family traits. Trauma in a people looks like culture."

- Resmaa Menakam


Lately I’ve been sitting with this quote from Resmaa Menakem, licensed social worker, trauma specialist, somatic abolitionist, and author of My Grandmother’s Hands: Racialized Trauma and the Pathway to Mending Our Hearts and Bodies. The first time I heard him say these words, they felt both as familiar as anything I’ve always known and like a riddle to puzzle my way through. In my puzzling, I did what any word nerd would do: I looked up some words in the dictionary. Here’s what I found. To decontextualize something is to consider it in isolation from the set of circumstances or facts that surround it. When we isolate something from its context, it necessarily loses some of the meaning it originally held. It’s also vulnerable to new, perhaps unrelated, meanings being added.

As I sat with this concept of decontextualization, I realized that I spend a lot of my time as a therapist helping clients contextualize their trauma.

A new world is possible. And Black trans leadership is at the center.

In April I wrote about anti-Black racism and white supremacy and the role that systemic factors play in our physical health. Just as communities were reeling from COVID-19 and the news of Ahmaud Arbery's murder, another wave of Black murders rolled in, this time at the hands of police across the country. George Floyd. Breonna Taylor. Tony McDade. These names are added to the unnumerable other Black people, some children, who have been killed by the police.

As some are waking up to the violent realities and oppressive history of policing for the first time, others have been working for decades to make their communities safer by working to defund or abolish the police. In Minneapolis, where George Floyd was killed and where an international uprising against police violence began, the city council has announced "their intent to disband the police department and invest in proven community-led public safety." The same Minneapolis city council that boasts both the first openly trans Black woman (Andrea Jenkins) and the first openly trans Black man (Phillipe Cunningham) elected to public office in the United States. These folks, along with so many others in their community, have been working on this issue for so long, and the visibility and outrage of this moment has offered a tipping point to propel them toward their goals.

A new world is possible. I see it taking shape before my eyes.

Helping Therapists Challenge Social Injustice During COVID-19 Pandemic

I recently sat down, virtually, with Lynn Louise Wonders, LPC of Wonders Counseling to discuss the racial health disparities making the news during the COVID-19 pandemic. Lynn had seen my post about this topic on Instagram and invited me to share more on her YouTube channel. We talked about understanding racial health disparities through a social justice lens, the underlying principles of minority stress theory, factors that have been shown to improve mental health for marginalized people, and how to learn more through my upcoming supervision and consultation group.. I hope that you’ll check out the video and let me know what you think in the comments. Thanks to Lynn for inviting me to share with her community of therapists about ways to challenge social injustice during (and beyond!) the pandemic.