I’ve shared my belief that change is a natural part of life and relationships and why we sometimes get scared when we find out that our partners are changing.
Now I want to explore another reason change can be scary: binary thinking.
Binary thinking is the habit humans have of putting things into distinct categories. You might also call it either/or thinking. [See also: characteristics of white supremacy culture.]
When the world feels overwhelming, our brains try to help us by simplifying things that are actually really complex. I see this in my work as a trauma therapist all the time. The more scared we get, the more we see things in black or white because our nervous systems aren’t resourced enough to tolerate the nuances of grey.
When I say “binary thinking,” I’m not just talking about the gender binary. We can put all sorts of things in boxes to try to control or make sense of them.
The problem with binary thinking is that it’s not a true reflection of reality. Not only that, binary thinking can be a tool of oppression, limiting the acceptable options for existing in the world. When a dominant group forces their fearful, limited binary thinking onto others, anyone who doesn't fit neatly in the right category is pushed out.
Most of us grew up with a strict gender binary that told us there are only two options for gender, that your gender is chosen for you based on assumptions made about your body by others and that your gender dictates who and how you can be in life.
Gratefully, binary thinking about gender is shifting in many places, but it continues to hold tremendous power in our lives. When the changes we are experiencing in our relationship are related to gender, that can feel scary not just because it's change but also because it threatens binary thinking. How much we rely on binary thinking to help us feel safe can impact how open we are to accepting the grey areas of gender.
My new program, Empowered Partners, will address the fears you might be feeling related to your partner's gender. Simply acknowledging our binary thinking can be a great place to start to shift it.
Empowered Partners is a 6 week program designed to empower you with the guidance, education and support you need to offer meaningful support to your transgender, non-binary and gender-questioning partner.
If you're looking for support around this type of change in your relationship, I hope you'll register. Space is limited and registration closes April 9th.